Coulson: Colonel Eyepatch, the MacGuffin we picked up at the end of Captain America is acting funny. Also, I'm really glad you've come back for The Adventures of Phil Coulson, Agent of SHIELD.
Fury: Not a problem. How's the evacuation going?
Coulson: Pretty good, but we'll still have plenty of people to be flung around in explosions when the action starts.
They reach the subbasement.
Fury: Selvig, what's going on with the Cosmic Cube?
Selvig: The what?
Fury: The One Ring.
Selvig: The what?
Fury: The Secret Formula
Selvig: The what?
Fury: THE FREAKING SPECIAL EFFECT THAT WE'VE BEEN BUILDING UP TO FOR THE PAST FOUR FREAKING MOVIES!!
Selvig: Oh that. It's going to either explode and reduce the planet to pieces or open up a Stargate.
Fury: It is not going to open up a Stargate! Do I look like freaking Richard Dean Anderson? Do you see any motherloving chevrons being engaged here?
The Stargate opens up.
Loki: Hi everybody. I'm baaaaaaack!
He mind controls Selvig and
Fury: We need to get this motherloving Asgadardian out of this motherloving base!
Coulson: Sir, why are you talking like that?
Fury: It's PG-13 movie.
Coulson: Got it.
The base explodes and sinks, Loki, Hawkeye and Selvig get away.
Audience: Well that was a pretty typical action sequence. Yawns.
Joss Whedon: You ain't seen nothing yet! Rolls up his sleeves.
Scene: On board SHIELD HQ.
Agent Maria: Col. Eyepatch, the Council of Omniscient Vagueness wants you on Line 3.
CoOV: Hi, we have nothing useful to offer for advice, but we want to take time out to tell you how much your plan sucks.
Fury: Duly noted. Bite my shiny leather eyepatch.
Fury: Coulson, tell Black Widow we need her to bother Bruce Banner.
Coulson: Try saying that three time fast.
Coulson: On it. Calls. Hey, Romanov, got a minute?
Cut to Agent Romanov tied to a chair being threatened by Russian gangsters.
Black Widow: Little busy here.
Coulson: I can wait.
Black Widow: Thanks.
She beats them up with both hands tied behind her back.
Coulson: Anyway, could you head to a Hollywood version of Calcutta and check out what Banner is up to?
Black Widow: On it.
Scene: Steve Rodgers is busy doing grievous bodily harm to a line of punching bags. Fury walks in.
Fury: Yo, how's it going?
Steve: I'm really behind the times. Did you know MTV stopping showing music videos?
Fury: They quit doing that before the 21st century. Want to help save the world?
Steve: I've got nothing better to do.
Scene: Calcutta. Black Widow tricks Banner into a private conversation.
Black Widow: Wanna help save the world?
Banner: Wanna get out of my face? Slams table.
Black Widow: Flinches. No.
Banner: You do realize I have serious anger management issues, right?
Black Widow: We can work with that.
Scene: NYC. Tony finishes with a plot point under the water, then zooms back up to Stark
Stark: Man, it is about time you got to me. We're what, about a half-hour into the movie?
Stark: I am, like, the highest paid star in this movie. They have devoted more CPU processing time to my special effects than they did to Banner in The Hulk, and people have to wait a half hour to see me. How fair is that?
Stark: I mean I had a whole sequel to myself while the others were still getting their origin stories.
Pepper: Tony! Phil is here!
Stark: Phil? Since when is he Phil? His first name is "Agent". (QUOTE!)
Coulson: Hi, I've been in five of these movies so far, thanks. I'm the actual star here. Anyway check out these files.
Stark: I'm totally not going along with this plan. I'm independent. I've got an ego the size of Manhattan Island. I don't along well with others.
Coulson: You'll be working with Dr. Bruce Banner.
Stark: He's so dreamy...
Scene: Quinjet on route to SHIELD HQ.
Coulson: Hi, I'm a fan.
Steve: I know.
Coulson: I've got all your trading cards.
Steve: You mentioned that. Twice.
Coulson: I watched you while you sleeping. (QUOTE!)
Steve: Please tell me we're about to land...
They reach SHIELD HQ.
Steve: Cool boat.
Black Widow: You think that's cool. Check this out.
The Helicarrier takes off in a most awesome fashion.
Fanboys: I think we just collectively peed ourselves.
Banner: So, I'm onboard giant flying fortress that's totally enclosed and very vulnerable to internal damage. What could possibly go wrong?
Agent Maria: Sir, we've spotted Loki.
Fury: Cool. Send Captain America. He's completely outclassed by Loki, but at least he's the one guy I can rely on here.
Actual Germans: No it isn't.
Whedon: Roll with it. It's always cheaper to shoot in Vancouver anyway.
Loki walks in and steals someone's retina pattern for Hawkeye.
Loki: I scream, you scream, we all scream for EYE SCREAM!
He walks outside and makes everyone kneel before
Cool Old German Guy: You suck.
Loki: Eat my staff.
Steve: Eat this!
Steve proceeds to actually do a good job whacking Loki, until inevitably Iron Man shows up.
Tony: Yes, I'm here finally. Please hold the applause.
Tony: Yeah, anyway, you give up, Loki?
Loki: Yep. Totally surrendering here. You got me fair and square. Movie is over now.
Steve: Good, let's take him back to Helicarrier.
Loki: Good idea. Because I totally belong there. It's logical, and I'm not at all capable of engaging in mischief in the middle of your HQ.
Tony: Stop talking please.
They start flying back.
Thor: Knock, knock.
Tony: Who's there?
Tony: "Thor" who?
Thor: "Thor am mad about you arresting my brother!"
He grabs Loki and drops him on a handy mountain crag.
Thor: Dude, what's up with all the negative waves?
Loki: I'm still working through my adoption issues.
Thor: Yeah, but you're being totally non-mellow with this fronting an alien inva--
Tony piledrives Thor into the Black Forest. Much cool destruction of the landscape ensues.
Steve: Boys! I'm am very disappointed in you two!
Tony: We're sorry, Dad.
Steve: A lot of German foresters went to a lot of trouble to make this a beautiful place for people. What do you have to say for yourselves.
Thor: Um... mumbles.
Steve: What was that?
Thor: Sorry, Dad...
Steve grabs their ears and drags them back to the Helicarrier.
Scene: Back aboard.
Fury: Welcome to our totally Loki Proof Chamber, which is called that because it's totally Loki Proof since it was built to be totally Hulk Proof and the Hulk is way more dangerous than you are.
Loki: Is he now?
Fury: Yeah, and I don't care for your use of italics right there. Don't make me go Easy Reader on your sorry ass, alright?
Later, the Black Widow and Loki do their Silence of the Lambs Tribute.
Black Widow: Jerk
Black Widow: Pwned.
Black Widow: Bite me.
Meanwhile, Tony and Bruce are getting along fabulously in the lab.
Tony: It so great to finally meet someone both on my intellectual level and able to take my adolescent jokes that endanger everyone on the ship.
Bruce: I know.
Steve (walking in): Hey, I think SHIELD has been secretly developing HYDRA base wea... Are you two wearing friendship bracelets?
Bruce: Well maybe you just aren't manly enough to wear one, Jock Boy.
Thor: Don't make fun of my little buddy! Hugs Steve.
The arguing in front of the
Black Widow: Okay. Trapped below decks next to the one character in this movie that actually scares me. Damn you, Whedon!
Bruce: Grr. Argh.
Black Widow: Um, Bruce. Try those deep breathing exercises from your movie, okay? You really want to try them right now.
He hulks out.
Black Widow: OhcrapohcrapohcrapOHCRAP!
The Hulk chases her though the ship. Thor checks in on Loki.
Thor: Le gasp! He's gone. Steps into the cell.
Loki: INT was your dump stat, wasn't it? Pulls lever.
Thor: WRONG LEVER!
He falls. Mightly. Meanwhile, Tony and Steve do some MacGyvering on the broken fan blade.
Tony: Okay, I've cleared the blade and got it up to speed now. You can pull the lever now.
Steve: (shooting at a mook) Little busy here.
Tony: ANYTIME NOW!
Steve: Still busy!
Tony does a Wile E. Coyote imitation in the fan blades until Steve finally pulls the lever.
Hulk jumps on a fighter jet that was harassing him.
Thor escapes from the cell just before it crashes into the ground.
Coulson: Ow. Dies.
Fanboys: Coulson, no!
Coulson shippers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Whedon: Don't act that surprised. Who was directing this movie again?
Scene: In the Helicarrier conference room.
Tony: Well that went well.
Tony: No, not really.
Fury: Coulson is dead. Sorry.
Tony: Really, really?
Fury: Absolutely really. Not lying here. Nope, not at all.
Maria: You got those cards out of his locker.
Maria: And the blood is Karo syrup and Red Dye #2.
Fury: Okay, I might fudged the truth a little.
Coulson: My agent will get back to you.
Scene: Back on the ground. Bruce wakes up naked and Thor can't get his
Old Guy: Dude, you're naked.
Old Guy: Better than naked and green. Here, have a cup of pants.
Scene: Back up on the Helicarrier.
Fury: We need a plan.
Tony: Loki is a fruit loop egotist who wants an audience, he'll want to put on a show. Beat. I would just like to point out that if you didn't have me as a bad example, this plot point might have taken an extra five minutes to discover.
Scene: New York City. Which is about to be trashed in the movies. Again. Tony lands at his fab penthouse atop Stark Tower to find Loki is already there.
Loki: Bwahaha. Prepare to die, Midgar Scum!
Stark: (pokes the MacGuffin generator) This may be slightly more difficult that I figured. JARVIS, is my new Suit of Awesome ready?
JARVIS: Not yet. Could I have three minutes of bantering please?
Tony: You got it.
Loki pokes at Tony with his mind control staff. It doesn't work.
Tony: Staff. Performance issues. Hurhur.
Loki: Shut up! Just shut up! Humans drool, Loki rules!
Tony: There's no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us but it's all on you. Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we'll avenge it! (QUOTE!)
Audience: That's not actually funny.
Royce: No, but it is awesome.
Loki sends Tony flying out the window. Tony proves he's got Batman trying to catch up for the "Crazy Prepared" award.
Tony: And people said my "Deploy suit while falling from two thousand feet" option was over-engineering!
We now settle back for almost forty minutes of the most awesome action in films to date, as the
Audience: I have to pee. Fortunately, my drink cup is now empty.
Loki: Wah! Everyone is being mean to me!
Hulk: Don't care.
He proceeds to layeth the smackdown on Loki in one of the most gloriously one sided fights in the film.
Hulk: Puny god. (QUOTE!)
Scene: Back at the Helicarrier.
Omniscient Council of Vagueness: We're nuking New York.
Fury: You think that's actually going to close the portal?
OCoV: We have no idea, but we're assholes.
Despite everyone on the Helicarrier being loyal to Fury, despite nukes normally being kept under tight lock and key requiring the authorization of several people just to get them out of the armory, somehow there are two fighters ready to deploy at the OCoV's order.
OCoV: Unnecessary deployment of nuclear weapons are traditional in these kind of movies. Just roll with it, 'kay?
Fury: Not okay.
He shoots down the first fighter with an unguided rocket propelled grenade and just misses the chance to take out the other with his pistol.
Fury: Stark, you there?
Tony: Yeppers. Busy being awesome right now.
Fury: You ever seen The Iron Giant?
Tony: Yeah, it was terrific. Especially the bit at the end where the Giant takes the nuke and... Aw, crap.
Tony grabs the nuke and guides it up through the portal and right at the Chitari mothership.
The nuke goes off, the Chitari back in New York conveniently fall over dead, Tony plunges through the portal just before it closes, and the Hulk makes a truly awesome save.
Tony and Bruce: BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!
Tony (dazed): You guys want shwarma? Cuz after eating a nuke in my face I'm totally good for scharwma right now.
Everybody (including the audience): WTF is shwarma?
Scene: Back on the Helicarrier.
OCoV: We don't appreciate being pwned.
Fury: Live with it.
Scene: Mid-credits teaser.
Chitari Leader: To attack the Earth is to court death. (quote)
Scary Red Smiling Guy: They don't call me "Thanos" for nothing.
Scene: Post-credits stinger. The Avengers sitting in a devastated Schwarma shop, eating up in dead silence.
For a full minute at least.
And it's awesome.